.................Drat.................

I seem to have lost touch with what I once called reality...it has slipped though the ever widening gaps in my existence. To be awake is to invite another failure, or another poignant remimder of why it is best I not be. Where life was once filled with the myriad of sounds and wonders, where every breath was once an adventuer in itself just to take...now there is only a feeling of loss.

What did I do with fun?...Where have I hidden it? The worst is the realisation that in effect...it is all entirely of my own doing. Instead of trying when I should, I always wait for the right time and then sink as I realise that it has once again slipped through the gaps.

How do I pick myself up and get back to where I was, I am so afraid of it now it has become...seemingly impossible.

I dream of elysium, and in my dream of elysium I find my inamorato

I wake, and I wake to a veil of dysphoria that I cannot seem to shift.

Why wake?

I stopped being an idiot, briefly...for once. About time too...some of my actions are based purely on my emotions, no thought process involved and I can be so callous when I am not thinking. Only ever thinking of myself, my selfishness ...knows no bounds sometimes. As always he accepted it with no words of blame..I apologised profusely for being childish and impulsive...and he forgave me and let me back into his life....though he seemed so subdued, like he was past caring.

He reads it...I knew he had, but...I was surprised he still does, more than pleasantly so.

Topic in question; Can you be completely and utterly devoted to one person for life...

Short answer?...It could happen, it depends entirely upon timing apparently.

I love having those in depth conversations with people, the ones where you actually learn something about them. I spend so much time having mundane talks about foolish frivolities...as much as it passes the day ...life is short..learn what you can while you can. I could talk to someone for marcs and marcs, just learning about their favourite colour and why it is, and what it means to them and what it conjures when they see it. I want the personal stuff..not the things that just graze the surface...I want to ask the questions that make people think. I want to hear the answers come direct from the subconcious...something they feel rather than know. Not the passing comments we throw at each other for the sake of politeness.

Whats your deepest fear? What do you think about when you sit next to the lake and daydream?...If you could be anywhere, doing anything..where would you be? What are you thinking? This very second..dont think about the answer just open your mouth and say. If there was only one moment more that you could have....what would you say? If there were no words, no language, no sound...what would you communicate and how?

It's conversations like that, that remind me I still want to live, to learn, to love...it's conversations like that, that remind me I can still feel...that I am not just going through the motions..not just repeating myself day after day to no avail at all....

I love learning about people..it's one of lifes great treasures, and ...just to Want to know things, to seem interested...I want to be interested in life..mine, others...Do you ever notice how we wont/cant open up to others...not let them see into our depths...When someone is actually interested in you, thats such a compliment...to be interested in everything that makes you, to learn about it.
I ask too much perhaps....I want too much explanation, to know people in too much detail.

He walked straight past me twice...and I nearly went after him..I took two steps before I stopped myself and just stood still. Then there he was......and I ran. The conversation we had was..wrong...every word that passed my lips felt cold and not like me at all. It's what I have to do..I do not want to upset anyone anymore.

When the warrior started with the questions I wasnt at all surprised, I think I was kinda expecting it, but I never expected him to lose his temper with me. His frustration at my own self pitying apathy was more than evident. He's right but....I cant seem to make the words seep in and do some good.


I hate seeing people so clearly upset and being powerless to fix it. There was nothing I could do to help except just try and listen..I hate being helpless

sleep...wake for a moment, from a dream filled with adventure..only to realise that sense of adventure is lost in the waking...and back into dreams.

I was formal, and then...well I ran, again. I have well and truly broken it this time, of that I am sure. How can we fix it? The simple answer is we can't. I will always be guarding every action just in case. I thought I was just being me, but it's come to my attention that that's basically what the problem is.

Again I have slept all day, I feel like I am running from my life...the tatters of what remains anyway. Will is back and as always he was acerbic and dry...apparently my little book is overly dramatic..which, I guess it probably is. When I read the entires I can see where to an on looker they would seem so self indulgent. In the end they are just passing thoughts when i am angry or sad, upset or lost....just the extention of my mind to paper. So in itself they are driven much more by emotion than they are thought of any kind.

Im searching, in vain it would seem to find some purpose to ...well me...and I am failing. The winds have switched direction, they no longer carry me along at their pace...no time to stp and contemplate before I am whisked away. They have swept me by, left me to to feel them brushing my cheek and at a loss as to how to move back into the current.

Im just in limbo....

Hiding never solved anything, knowing that will not stop me doing so...but it will at least give me a perspective at my foolishness when I choose to. How is it, the best advice we always give away, and yet always commit the worst of mistakes? Do we not retain any common sense atall...or am I generalising where I should indeed be specific..perhaps...it's just me.

Im kind of lost about how to ..act around him now. I cant be myself and everytime he says the word 'friend' in that manner it stings ...and then I want to run. I feel like a child, like I have no defences against it. It's just a word, but it reiterates something that could easily be left unsaid...I guess he just wants to make a point of it. It's my own fault.

I never really thought about what impact writing the truth would have, but..then I never really think about the impact of anything...it's a ..talent...I have. He picked the lie...out of all of it he picked up the lie..though I suppose it must have stood out like a sore thumb. In hindsight I see the foolishness of it...but thats the bittersweet beauty of hindsight...it teaches you a lesson with the sting of knowing you had to make the mistake to learn.

It felt good to write it though..

When we lose people, especially when it's sudden and unexpected, when they are seemingly ripped from our lives..the gaping maw the lack of their presense leaves behind is all encompassing. It consumes your thoughts, your feelings, your entire essense. It is so hard to see through the veil of loss. Shock and disbelief is the first...the worst days are when the tears are there, but they just wont come. They rest behind your eyes, stinging your soul but...unable to release. There is nowhere to hide from loss, no way to pass it along, no way to share it.

It lessens only with the passage of time, or perhaps...perhaps it is just pushed to the side so that we may concentrate upon the things ahead....but, there is always that ache...that ache deep in the pit of your stomach whenever a smell, or a sound...or a place..a memory springs forth, with that memory always a smile and a small tingle of warmth, tempered by the slow throb of regret and longing. To have back but a moment, to experience but one more minute...to see a smile, to hear a laugh, to touch a cheek. One moment to express all the emotion loss has granted you.

Grief, is perhaps one of lifes most destructive emotions. It's the raging torrent tearing through your life. It pulls up all your carefully laid roots, every tentative hold on everything you thought was right. Eventually...after it has battered and bruised you beyond compare, thrown your life into the deepest pit, past the point of despair and into the shallows of sorrow....it slows, as it slows your cuts fade to scars..the scars fade to just that small dull ache, when the world is quiet and your mind is awake and alive to how things used to be.

A certainty in life is that we will all lose someone, it's hell...but where we have the capacity for great love, and great affection for our friends and family, we open ourselves to the inevitability of their eventual loss.

I have lost people in my life. It is always like you are losing a small part of what it is to be yourself. When someone leaves we are always reminded of the others, but the tracks of my tears nor the anguish of my soul will do anything to call back that which I have lost along the way.

When it's quiet, and my mind returns to a time when I could see the smile upon a face. When I am least expecting it and suddenly, the sweet sound of their voice fills my ears....as a time long past retuns to swim about my conscious, I close my eyes, hum a tune softly to myself and I immerse myself in the memory...thats when they see us clearly.
Thats when I can feel they have not left me.

Wish you were here

There are times when I hate this world more than anything I can ever begin to imagine. When just to be awake in it makes every inch of my skin crawl.

When he called to me I went, why would I not..curiously he was naked which I commented on but it hit me what that meant. As Istood there watching him empty his bank and stuff things into my pack, instructions on what to give who and I couldnt believe what was happening. I asked him if he would be back, no he replied...I asked him why he was leaving...there was no real answer. He gave me things to give to her and I...what am I going to say to her? I asked him to stay so he could speak to her but he said he would write her. I stood in the bank and watched him..it's like I wasnt even in my own body.

I asked him to stay, he ignored it as if I hadnt spoken at all...then told me it was his time. I did nit cry then, it would have been wrong to. He asked me to take his hand and of course I did...I squeezed it gently and asked him to stay again...there was no need I am sure whatever it was we could fix it...again he ignored it..and I stood there and watched him fade into nothing...no fingers gripping mine ..just gone.

I HATE THIS PLACE

I remember when he first walked this land, I remember when the gods changed his name, I remember wathcing him climb ranks, I remember the day I saw him become a lord...I remember him, and I always will

To Xaphious...may all his travels be prosperous, may all his encounters be fun and warm and friendly....may he find whatever peace he was seeking.

May happiness ambush him at every turn.

I remember running blindly past a little ..initiate I believe he was then, what seems like an age ago. I remember it distinctly because I stopped to watch him for a moment. He seemed to be searching for someone, someone he had only glimpsed, that struck me as odd..odd enough that I remarked upon it. From that point on we talked sporadically, whenever I noticed him or he me. That was all before I left the lands, and in the turmoil of it I forgot about him entirely..when I came back he found me, congratulated me as I levelled and we got talking again. He was a Cleric by this point and we were both fighting on Kilican. Me complaining very audibly about the uselessness of men and him taking it very stoically as I ranted to him in no uncertain terms, about how they were good for nothing and he nodding and agreeing at intervals between my breaths.
I hardly noticed him ..an oversight on my part, for what an amazing person he was. Still searching for his elusive redhead and already becoming a person that I often confided in, always with ability to make me laugh and always willing to put up with my ever changing moods.
We were talking one day, not long after I had met Tus, in the restaurant on Kilican isle, he said some things that confused me for I had never really thought about him and I that way..he said he was searching for the woman of his dreams and he had found her...I let that rest. Which seems to be a recurring theme in my life. However, also a recurring theme later that day I asked him who was the woman of his dreams..and inevitably received an answer that I knew, even though I knew it was coming it stopped me dead in my tracks. I was with Tus, I loved Tus and I told him as much ..we left it at that and time later he found the real woman of his dreams.
We never spoke ofthat day again while we were both involved, our relationship was a pure friendship. He was my rock, everytime I neededsomeone to confide in..everytime life was hard he was always there, we shared the best times, and he was always part of the good moments in my life. He said he loved me like a brother, our bond was close..he could finishe my sentences and I his. He knew what I was thinking and always knew how to fix it. He is a true diamond in that manner. I was training in the ice caverns one day..and he came along to heal me as I trained..we were talking about wht a mess we were making of our lives and generally complaining loudly about all sorts and somewhere in the mess of things we dared each other to get a tattoo. It was the most surreal experience ever but once we had both gotten through the " I will then", "do it then", "fine then, lets do it then" conversation there was no turning back and that night Nya gave us both lasting memories of each other in ink. Mine a small pink diamond, his a tiny pigeon. We had great times, he was there when I needed someone to talk to. Always, he never questioned me and always took me at face value..that means so much more to me than I can ever explain.
Things happened in his life and I comforted him..time passed and one day in a cave in Caernivale, of which I have no memory of how I even came to be there..he said some things to me
"What it means Cel, is that I could easily be crazy out of control madly romantically in love with you if the situation ever welcomed it ".........."but doesnt that mean you already are?"..... "oh, damn. Of course it does you ditz."...He told me we would be bonded one day, that he knew it in his soul...our soul he said, for we shared the same one. He said things that scared me beyond all thought...then he kissed me and I think I ran, I cannot remember.

Thats the only mistruth I told to Tus, for I told him it was me that kissed Gareth, I wanted to protect him from that..both of them from that..in hindsight perhaps that was foolish also, but a desicion I made none the less.
It was another thing I could not take along with Amzer and then Tus....I gave him many mumbled words of retreat and the next days between us were so strange. He would still sit there while I was lost over Tus, listen to me as I cried and cried over the things I had done. Told me I should return to Tus, beg forgiveness and ask him to take me back..all the while loving me the way he said he did. He was truly out for my happiness, no matter how much it hurt him for me to find it.

Not long after I returned from leaving, (in hindsight what a foolishly stupid thing to do), I was perhaps level 14ish, and the crier called for a gentleman levelling to perhaps his 36th level..perhaps more. So I congratualted him and he thanked me and we got talking, I believe I asked him to tell me a joke and he did...that was enough to strike up a small tentative friendship. We talked now and again and I remember him asking about me and what had happened between Will, Talon, Tal and Azeal...I was honest with him and he let it rest. I knew nothing of him at all except what I had learnt merely by talking to him.
Time passed, we grew closer, I helped him back to social life, he was so mistrusting and lost, and he helped me over my guilt. To cut a long story very short we got together, eventually after much trail and tribulation. He was the first man I had ever commited to in any way and what I felt for him ran through my veins as easily as my blood.
The first problems we encountered were trivial, mostly of people forever watching me waiting for me to slip up...but it just brought us closer. One night he was cluthing something...a pouch and I was ..well jealous, there is no other word for it, I assumed it was a gift from one of his many admireres. So I pulled a minor tantrum and ran, to which he made me feel utterly foolish as I realised it was actually something for me, and with much blushing and mumbled apologies I returned..not long after we were promised. I was elated and at the same time scared beyond all measure, he promised me he would be 'ultra careful' with my heart and I guess he was.
The second of our problems a young girl very much in love with him, I tried to be understanding with both of them, I had to trust him and you cannot control the way you feel about others, it was not her fault...but merely a horrible situation for us all. I remember he came to me one day, he had kissed her..I did not shout, nor get upset, I asked him why, he answered and I let it drop. There is no point reliving things that you dont want to. Done is done.
We talked about bonding and for the first time I actually wanted to give someone everything, I wanted it to be forever, for everything to be perfect. We had many conversations about it, jokingly threatening to find a Cleric.
There came a time when I told him I had set it up, and that I found a Cleric..he must have thought I was teasing him for he became angry and we argued...I went to train in such a rage as I have never been..he hurt me beyond anything I can remember.
A little while later he called me to an inn in Caernivale..saying he wanted to talk..a walked straight into him and a Cleric and we were uncerimoniously bonded then and there. It was perfect, exactly how I had imagined it, even if I was a little covered in gore it was still perfect.
We went through some hard times after that I will not lie, and I thought for a while that he no longer wanted me, I fought for every piece of his attention that I could, I loved him so much. The fault however was mine, for I didnt make clear to him how I was feeling. He was troubled, alot was happening for him and I will never forgive myself for being so selfish when he was in need. I let him, both of us, down.
When I came to tell him I had feelings for another it shattered me...I have no right to feel or express my pain over it for it was a situation of my own undoing and I deserved it. He however did not, I betrayed his trust by letting another in and he ended it then and there. He would not share my heart with another.
I had to be honest, even though it ended what I had with him and in turn sent Amzer into turmoil over thinking he was the cause of it. In the end it was only me.
I would not lie to Tusonee and brush my feelings under the carpet, he deserved my honesty. He deserved to know, I could have left it there, and never said a word. Walked away from Amzer and left it all die down, but that felt like lying to the man I had loved for so long and it felt like belittling Amzer for loving me..he also deserved to know I had feelings for him, and I could not express it to both without being honest.
I do not regret my honesty, as much as it took from me and as much as we all lost if I had to live it all again with the same outcome I would give my honesty every time.

I may be a fool, but I cannot be accused of not admitting it

I met Amzer a long while back when I was still an initiate, he took me to N'rolav Dundee and when we used the tree I thought he had performed some unknown rogue magic. I was easily impressed and often foolishly naive back then, I do not think he even saw me to be honest...he just did as he needed and then his gaze went straight to the next task he was called upon to do.
We got talking again when he returned. He was having a very hard time and I took him for a drink, we talked...and our talks were always long...marcs and marcs spent over ale just learning about each others interests. Him being guarded and lost and me just being me. I tried to make him see it wasnt his fault nor anything he had done that had chased her away, and I think he was resigning himself to the fact. It was all completely innocent..often based around theoretical instances and the nature of faith or hope. We easily wiled away lonely marcs that we both encountered, just as friends.
We were in Gunwalls one day, and I asked him what he was thinking. His reply was "I am thinking about all the treasure in this room, and how I would give it all up for you"..that was the first point at which I realised it might possibly be something more than friendship that he was talking about. I asked him in what capacity he wanted me...and as always he shrugged it off as just friends. So I tried to forget it and carried on with life.
Life went much that way, waiting around for Tus, dealing with the new guild, enchanting people and on occasion..drinking with Amzer. I would find new places to take him, places he had never seen before just to see the look on his face when I found somewhere he approved of. I found a little rogues den, where I took him for a drink one day...he was particularly distant and unwilling to talk about anything. There is a small fountain in the rogues den, many wishes cast upon it and plenty of silver pieces glinting in the shallow depths. I remember watching curiously as he wandered to the fountain and cast in his silver...I asked him what he wished for. " for life to be simpler" I laughed and told him I would throw in every last plat in my pouch if it came true. He gave me a long look, I remember that and something inside me realised that his wish was about me. Once again I questioned him and when he was unwilling to elaborate and it obviously made him uncomfortable I let it rest.
Things were tense between us, often hinting at something never said. It was now ..I should have let him be I know..now I should have walked away entirely before it all went past the point of no return. I am selfish and ..well in my selfishness I would not.
There came a day when he woke but would not talk to me, I was so confused I did not know what I could possibly have done, he said he could not tell me, that it was not me but him and that it was best that he did not see me anymore. At first I protested and shouted...what had I done?..but eventually I conceeded and allowed him his peace, if that was what he needed from me then that is what I would give. Whatever he needs. Sometime later that day I think..perhaps the next I cannot remember..he called me to Milltown..I came of course, how could I not. He gave me a persent..a ring of protection for my next level. It was inscribed "from your very own rogue" and then he was gone again, telling me he would not see me, could not see me. He was gone for days, I was so worried.
Enough was enough I needed to know what was going on. He came and we talked, I asked him to explain it to me..he squirmed and tried to run..he did not want to and it was killing him to do so. I persisted, as always, as I always do I just have to push things, I cannot leave them alone but I pushed too hard and he ran where I could not follow. A few days passed I think, I cannot remember, my concept of time is somewhat warped. He called me, tentatively to another little rogue hideout in Branishor. I went and he made me a promise he would never run from me again no matter what, and that if I asked he would always be honest. Typically, not ever having better judgement and at this point so desperate just to hear him say it..I asked...and he did. I dont remember what I said to him..I think I backed away and ...I dont remember but I know I did not say the words in return. My confusion was entirely complete and I knew I had feelings for him but of what I did not know. I foolishly told him never say never...but it was what came from my heart so I do not regret it. I tried to ..I do not know what I tried to do, at the time I was so confused I do not think I had one coherent thought...So I did what I knew I had to, and told Tusonee that I had feelings for another..but thats a story on it's own.

It broke all three of us, for myself, I know it broke me beyond repair ..I do not know about them.

I never wanted to do that..but she was right. The look in his eyes is something I will never ever forget..and his words, as innocent as they were, cut straight to my core the very second they reached my ears. I cried myself to sleep, a sleep that I had wished was dreamless but alas it was not...and as the faces haunted me and the pain I have caused filled me my conclusions seemed obvious.

As I sit here and wallow in the pity of my own self wrought mess, he sits somewhere. I have no idea what he's feeling...but she is there to comfort him, tell him it's for the best, whatever words of encouragement and help a sister gives. As irrational as it is, and as right as she was I cannot help but feel some small resentment, she pushed me to do something I was not ready to deal with..I didnt even know it existed. I did not want to do it that way.

People talk ...as often they do, perhaps from boredom of their own lives or perhaps purely from the malice of wanting to destroy anothers. What do people say in dark corners in soft words when I cant hear and there is no one but the willing to listen?... Do they all spout the same usual tripe? "she's done it again, she's an evil witch...the wicked witch of the cannons" Do they question me and make their own assumptions, with nary the slightest care at what the truth may indeed be. Of course they do..it is so much easier to see and pinpoint the faults in others than it is to turn and look inside...to concentrate on the faults of oneself.

Am I ever, ever appraoched for the truth of the matter? No...never, and to be honest I do not care...if my name is tarnished and my reputation sullied then..I still do not care. If it makes others feel better about themselves by using their time to think me devious then..so be it, I wish them well with it. I care for the things that have happened, the people I love, the people I have hurt and I care about fixing the messes I have made of my life and others in some small way. No it's not righteous indignation, its focussing on my own problems and my own foolishness...which others would do well to notice in themselves. I try hard, I am sorry I am not what everyone held me up to be, I am what I am ..Just Cel, I screw up...I leave a trail of destruction.

Just Cel, and if asked I will always give the truth

I have avoided everyone, slept as much as I possibly could and neglected people...enough is enough, I cannot wallow all the tme, I need to take hold of my life and make it a life again. I slump and then I pull myself up, I am desperately trying to crawl out of this hole I am in...and just as I reach the brim I seem to give up and fall back into the pit. Not this time...I need to find who I was again...not hide away in the shell of my former self.

Gareth took me to Ethucan, it was what I needed...I felt..free for a while, no restraints or demands, nothing I could do about anything. It was good to be stuck somewhere inaccessable...it was like the abyss. I confided in him a little, I think...I think it's what he wanted, just to be included and to help me.

Now it is time to make up for not seeing people, for being a poor friend, and to try and promise myself I wont do this again.

He still isnt here and I miss him.

I dont even want to beawake, I try to pull myself from my sleep but...it seems moment after I do I just want to return to my slumber and hide away from the world. I feel so lost, like things are breaking all over again. I am being foolish and I know it but I cannot seem to control my feelings. Not that I ever had that ability to begin with.

I know I have to be awake, the raids and ...I have to do what little I can to protect ...everything. I am not sure what I have left to portect, but I know others do.

Everytime I see him I can feel whatever we had slipping from my grasp..no matter what words spill from his lips I cannot seem to shake the feeling that he just isnt bothered anymore. Words are nothing when you cannot feel thier worth.

Games...no one ever just says what they mean, or means what they say...I am sick of dancing around like a fool all the time. If you are hurtin, then say you are hurting...if something has upset you...well the only way to deal with it and get past it is to open your mouth and talk...if you need reassurance..ask for it, if you want love..say you need it..if you want a little solitude, ask that you be granted it..if you need just to be held...then ask for someones arms. Life is short...and honesty possibly my one true gift I can give..whether it be for ill or no, I dont know...I just know I am sick of feeling this way.

I just want the whole truth..even when it hurts or it's not what I want to hear I just want to know I have beeen granted at least that much.

Confusion, the recurring emotion and the story of my life. I think it spawns from me, or perhaps it is just purely me...perhaps I am just made from it, at a genetic level. So here I sit, placed quietly amongst the rubble that I deign to call my life and try in vain to somehow, in some manner, piece it together...make it into something I can actually use for living...instead of the littered mess it is now.

Removed...such a strange term for him to use but, the more I thought about it the more it applied to me...I watch things spiral out of control so often...I just sit and watch as it's swallow by the vortex, doing nothing to stop it...removed from worrying, or ..thinking. Then at other times things seem so intense that they can fill every part of me, every inch of my skin, every sense is overloaded with emotion and thought....

It's a little like sitting in a small paddleless boat in the centre of a river...the banks too far to ever attempt to reach so, I am drawn along in the current...sometimes it is raging, a torrent that twists and turns me, back and forth, threatening to overturn me at any point, pull me under...and others it's a slow, peaceful meandering..enough that I can take in the scenery and forget there may be a 100 foot waterfall around the very next bend.

I think thats why I am such a tight ball of mixed emotions so often..I am surprised anyone gets any sense from me at all.


Pleasantly crazy

Defences and fortifications, do we place them to keep things out or keep things in. Are we ever really truly whole with anyone, do we never hold back? I dream of not holding back, but I do it on instinct, without conscious thought I place safety measures and back out plans, put up walls and barricades to stop ...to stop what I dont know. I have come to realise that in doing so I mute my own depth of feeling, perhaps thats why I have such trouble comprehending others, I see it...I hear peoples words but I just do not grasp it, nor am I sure if I know how to believe it. It seems so doubtful and ...doubtful.

I feel like I am missing the bigger picture...that there is the most succulent delectable piece of fruit in front of me, inches from my eyes...my hunger for it is insatiable and all I have to do to quench it is reach out and take a bite. I can see it, I can smell how sweet and ripe and I know that to taste it would be all that I needed to reach nirvana..but when I reach out..all I touch is a transparent pane of glass stopping me...my barrier. So I starve myself. I do not know why I am so afraid to shatter the glass..what am I hiding from? But it scares me beyond measure..to let someone in completely..I dont even know how to begin with that.

Im just Cel...and thats all I will ever be

So he is gone, I am not sure how to deal with my guilt, nor how I am going to face the people that loved and cared for him. I am trying to ignore it for now..I deserve to feel it's full force but I think I am still in shock..it will come, and it will bring with it the full raging force of all the others and every other time

Short lived and foolish, based on the insecurities of the soul, to hope and dream, to invite the failure, another to lay at the foot of the demon.

Back into the depths, until it sleeps..the fallacy reared it's true form and I pay for my folly.

It's all just an illusion we conjure, that breaks ...that we break with our own actions. I dont want to breathe

I cant believe it.......he's gone and it's my fault, thats not what ..I cant believe it. I cant breathe

I want the dream, I want to know I am loved every minute of every day and to know I make another feel the same...I want to be safe in the knowledge they always be there...I want someone who surprises me with little things as much as big things...who plans things for me just for the pure pleasure of my smile....someone who thinks about me and knows what I want..inside and out...someone who knows what I need to keep me interested and coming back.

I want to feel cherished, publicly, privately...I want romance, but I want normality....I want an ease with someone where we can go for 12 marcs, communicate every ounce of love for each other but not speak a single word. Or sit and read quietly to ourselves and not feel the need to fill the space with idle chatter.

I want to lie on my back and stare up at the sky with somone..picking out he constellations or shapes in the clouds, laughing until the tears flow freely down my cheeks...I want to share breakfast on a cool spring morning and watch the world bustle by with not a care in the world but the smile on the face of the person in front of me.

I want to whisk someone away to a deserted spot, share with them the beauty of a moment, of a whispered breath and a tender kiss...I want to play in the snow and swim in the lake...go fishing with naught but a stick to whittle and string in our pockets. I want to sit on the dock and watch the ferries pass through all day..giggling like fools as we watch all manner of people come and go. I want to lay by the hearth and watch the flickers of the fire highlight every small perfect line of their face, every feature, as they sleep..content just to see the rise and fall of their chest.

I want to sit nose to nose, smiling as we whisper and laugh, I want to cook..badly..have someone laugh and eat even though it tastes awful. I want to take someone out on a boat, throw the paddles to the depths and sit there doing nothing but talking and learning about each other. I want to have someone to come to when I mess up, someone who makes everything okay just by holding me.

I want to make someone so happy, I want to cherish them, know they feel content and happy, loved and special. I want to stroke their cheek or touch their lips and I want it to tremble through every inch of their skin. I want to spend foolish moments, racing to the cannon or singing to crowds...I want to sit in the centre of the town and be foolish or serious, sharing a glance or a touch...enough to let them know I am thinking of them. I want to know someone so completely that they do not have to speak for me to know what they need. I want to be able to give someone everything they ever wanted

I want to grow old with someone but even though their body may age I want to see the beauitful soul I fell in love with shining from their eyes everytime I glance their way, I want to hate and love their idiosyncrisies in equal measure..but laugh about it.

Am I the only one that wants so much? Do I ask so much

My chimera, ....my dream, who am I to even think I could possibly ever deserve something even close to that or to think anyone could ever love me in that way. Am I searching for lost city, as I tear asunder the roots of my life looking for something I will never find...my heart and soul disquietened by the need for a whisper I will never hear, a song that was never written, a touch that will never be felt.


I want to be all this and more for someone

Why do I make people feel this way? How do I keep causing people such pain...it's tearing me to pieces..I woke, found his words and cried myself hoarse as I watched yet another thing begin to slip from my life because of me.

I care for him so much, I need him and I miss him..I keep running the words over and over in my head..why do I screw things up so much with everyone. I know he's hurting now..hurting enough that he thinks to stay away is whats best...I hate this, I hate that I can do this ..that any of this is in me. I am so angry at myself, I am so lost.

I burn things..to cinders...people, friends, lovers, companions...I just burn things, until they cannot bear to be near me any longer. I have lost so many people..so many people because ..because of me. Will anyone ever stick with me, I have failed so many times..why should anyone even give me the chance, I am very lucky that some do.


My mind was my only gift, but tis not enough
For someone with such beauty and grace
You deserve the best brought on a plate

I know it will never be me and you, so this is the last gift I have for you
I wish you well and all the best, and mabye the next life I'll impress

Goodbye princess
Goodluck, be well

I always told him I would do this...that I would put his words in here and I never did...but this time, I am crying so much that I need to put them here...I dont want to lose them. So pieces of what he wrote will stay ..here forever

I dont know how it happens, how I can come to feel so low...to drop so quickly and so fully into my apathy..each time I try to drag myself up and out I take a step only to seem to fall back three...it's been so long since one of my entries seemed in the least bit...happy..this must make poor reading for those who would think to try. Hardly the triumph and tragedy of a quiet enchantress...more the dark and twisted tale of a troubled, lost and lonely girl.

I think back to when I first set foot on Valornian soil...what seems an age ago..I have changed so much from the happy, fresh faced eager young adventurer I was..jaded and ...just lost.

I know there is something desperately wrong with him..but while he doesnt trust himself enough to tell me I will not pry and ask him. It scares me somewhat...but I dont think he realises that..I am not going anywhere...and I will be here for him whatever. The cough.......I dont know, he leaves me hanging and ..it's worse, but I will not pry where he doesnt want me to.

I do not blush often, usually when I am doing something utterly foolish so..perhaps a little more frequently than first thought...but, when he smiled it made me feel ..I dont know, like I had exposed something ...even though the words have been there for a while...the blush caught me more by surprise than anything else. Perhaps I just did not want him to know I had missed him...I do not know.

I miss so many people lately...people who just ..I dont see them..it leaves me feeling so empty

Revelation -Life is hard.

Every day is a struggle against our own thoughts and emotions, against our worries and fears, our deep seeded insecurities and the myriad of stresses and strains we are exposed to with each passing moment. Life sucks, most of the time...it sucks...it's hard to think straight, and when you do finally manage to make some sense of it you realise you didnt want to be doing that in the first place. You let time slip by without noticing and then wake up one day and look back at all the wasted moments, all that precious time you spent ...just wasting.

Time is precious..cherish it..no it's not easy and yes it is all too easy to be dragged down by our own self created mess and not see the woods for the trees...but every now and again your eyes will open and you'll be hit by the epiphany that each moment should be treasured..we dont live forever...so Live..

Life is hard..every single moment of it is hard...but hold it close and let each and every single struggle play out as if it were an hour..a day ...a week...one day we will all be wondering where all our moments went, enjoy it....while we can.

Sometimes...just sit back and feel the wind on your face...life does not have to be all about fuss and bother....just ..sometimes...just listen for the simple things and .........enjoy

I am trying, as much as I can I am trying...I have to..I know that now, it's not about me..I have to, I must pick myself up, there are others things to think of and be doing. This book is like an addiction...it helps none at ll but I need it...I need the release of whats inside..the questions..I have no answers for them when they come. When people read and want to know..what can I say?...If I could say it out there then I would not need to hide it in here.

I dont even think about what I am writing...it just flows from my mind and directs my hands and fingers..it's why this often seems like..rambling ..much like now.

tomorrow I will face the questions of today
How prudent that was...to each and every day. Tomorrow, I will face the questions I wrought today...and I will still be powerless to answer them, for I myself do not know. It's why these pages will never truly be all that I want them to be. I cannot face the questions that would come..the price I would pay for it.

I promised him if I needed to hide...I would hide with him....I know, in my heart that I wont be able to hold up to that..sometimes I will and sometimes I will seek the silence that one only finds in solitude. Silence from the world so I can hear my own myriad of thoughts eddying around my mind and try ..try as I might to make some sense of......something.

I let the mask drop, just a little...and nobody wanted to see what was behind it...a lesson learned

And ..just like that he waltzes back in....just as he waltzed right out. As if he didnt leave me in a hole with no way out, asking me to go against my judgement with no explanation and no answer. Leaving me in a position I never expected with a guild I had no idea what to do with. As if he didnt watch me beg...in front of the whole guild..as he left me to deal with the mess while he went and healed. And yet, I wasnt angry at all..I didnt feel anything other than ..resigned. No shock, nothing expect just wanting things back as they were...I wasnt upset, I didnt shout, nor ask him any of the reasons ...I just called him, gave him back his guild and welcomed him home.

He wasnt gone long, but it felt like a lifetime..I guess I wasnt even surprised. Some things just arent worth fretting over, he looks better...thats all that matters, I wander out of the spotlight, he wanders in and everything goes back to normal...perhaps I will even find my way up

Our guild he said..

And here I sit, and answer the questions of yesterday to whomever may ask. The problem is they do not want to hear...they never really have. I have hit a low..a point within my apathy which I cannot seem to contain...it's all consuming...it engulfs not only me but the others close to me also. I am surprised anyone wishes to spend any time with me at all.....I emanate apathy. I have no explanation for it, I cant give people the reasons, the words dont come out at all. I know no one can fix it...fix me..and I cannot pick myself up, I just feel like I have spent so long with my cheek pressed to the dirt, looking at nothing but the boots of life...trying with every ounce of my energy to lift my head and glance a different view..just for a moment...just a glimpse of something.

Im waiting for the miracualous to walk in and save me, and..it doesnt exist. I am lost and there is no cure, no solution that I can see. I just lay here, with the dust of the path clogging my tongue and dulling my senses as I watch the rest of the world walk on by.

When words..the words everyone wants to hear, when they turn to just sounds what do you have left...nothing..theres the bottom, I can see it clearly with my own two eyes. I have hit it...the only direction left is up right? ..

So which way is that?

I feel I should write, but the words just wont come. I have no faith in them anymore..not that my faith stretched too far anyway. I feel like I talk and talk and talk...but something must be happening between my brain and my tongue because nothing at all ever makes sense to anyone but me it seems. It's clear..in my mind what I want to say..but it never comes out, or I mess up more. I feel broken, like Im just defective.

I hide now, thats all I do..hide....I hide in one spot, and when I am found or called I move to another...it's not life..I dont even feel like I breathe...I just go through the motions, act how everyone expects me to act. If I am even the slightest bit honest about how Im feeling, I just get comments about how I dont seem myself and wheres the normal Cel. I have to live up to something that I just cant manage to find...it's ..killing me I think. I just hide, I hide from having to be me, or what everyone expects...........they will all say they have none, but...they all need me to be me or ..I dont know....where can I go when I am lost, scared and lonely...where do I feel safe...

How can someone be so surrounded by people...have so much human contact...and yet be so utterly alone, trapped within expectations. This is my only outlet, and tomorrow I will face the questions of today and brush them aside as I have so many times before. I tried...I tried reaching up and there was no one there to pull me free. I have isolated myself and now ..I really am drowning.

I guess I had more to write than I thought.

Sometimes I just want to lay down, wherever I am..just lay on the ground, study the sky and ignore it all, everything. No birds with messages, no problems, no one needing enchantments, no responsibilities...nothing to deal with, no advice to give out, no apologies to make, no regrets to face, nobodys' sighs to hear, or frowns to see....just me and the heavens, they study me, I study them...nothing more......just nothing.

Sometimes I think about being beneath the surface, looking up....light streaming down, seeing all the ripples upon the surface, the disturbance...but not reaching it, seeing it all through the blur, not being able to make out individual touches. Watching life play out before you but being ..surronded by muted silence. Would it be such a bad thing? Am I already beneath the surface and ...will I drown?...can I make it back, do I want to? Sometimes I think about it and it sounds like heaven...to have everything dulled..no pain, no tears, no problems...to be slightly removed from it all....in ignorance we find bliss?.....But sometimes it sounds like hell. To watch but never touch, to see but never able to help...to know..but not feel...to stand just on the outside of everything that matters but never quite be able to join in...so close but so very far away.

To be seen, but never really being known, never understood or...real.

Whit is the sunshine...she says such amazing things sometimes..I dont know how I can ever live up to her opinion of me...I am dreading...dreading the day that I fail her, I will never ever forgive myself. She is so innocent...I just want to wrap her in a warm blanket and save her from the world.

I dont think I will ever get it right with him at all, I will never understand him, and nothing I do ever seems to be right, or enough. I am so tired of being the cause of sighs. I can't keep it up, not enough smils to balance the frowns....I am just lacking ...everything. 'Just be yourself'...great.. what happens when 'just me' is the thing causing the problem.

I look up now..but I dont see a light..nothing to swim towards, whats up, whats down....